In a very nice discussion recently on Facebook, the subject matter came to how to deal with the desire to have sex as devotees.

It is a desire we as human beings have experienced for millions of lives, especially here in the Western world, where sex is God and on the daily menu of everything.

When I joined a certain spiritual institution in 1989, sex was a huge taboo. Everyone spoke bad about it, everyone tried to hate it, everyone tried to “overcome” it with artificial renunciation.

I myself went through a lot of self-hate and guilt, because sometimes the efforts to control the desire had been in vain. You experienced a “fall-down”.

But I was not alone in such circumstances as I realized more and more. Pretty much NOBODY around me could control the desire for sex for a very long time. Of course, everything happened under the banner of sworn secrecy.

Lecture after lecture about how “sex means suffering” or “spitting on the thought of sex”, mostly given by fierce brahmacaris who were preaching to their own deviant minds. The standard in that institution was that we should use sex only for procreation, meaning only for giving birth to children.
Now, in the Western world, this concept is practically non-existent.

How can we expect to destroy the samskaras of millions of lives HAVING sex during the Bhakta program? Impossible.
It is utterly unrealistic.

Sure, the highest purpose of sex is to give birth to a child. But quite honestly, who is on such a detached platform in just a few years of bhakti?

During their journey through bhakti, in the relationship between a male and female sadhaka, with the right consciousness, it can be an exchange of love when performed selflessly in a serving mood until higher stages of consciousness have been attained and the desire fades away.

Many devotees were and still are NOT on the level of having sex only for procreation. So, what should they all do?
Give up? Go to hell? Burn in the fire of their sins?

Why is there such a huge negativity on the issue of sex life in certain spiritual institutions?
Why is there such an abnormal hatred towards this issue?
Why can´t this issue be dealt with in a loving and understanding way?

Krishna is not a forceful God or a vengeful God.
He loves true honesty more than artificial renunciation.

I am sure Krishna does not love the shame, the self-hate and the guilt of those sincerely trying devotees who think they must struggle with this issue in secrecy and in fear.
He is there in their hearts. He knows that they are trying their best.
He is the last person to judge.

The goal is to come to terms with our sexuality in a very healthy way.
Everything must be attained natural. That is just common sense.
Nothing about this issue can`t be forced.

The approach of other institutions towards sex ranges from outrageous to completely horrible and fully removed from all reality, leading to all kinds of self-hate, guilt and the wonderful perversions that come about by suppressing artificially the urges to have sex.
No need to mention the numerous scandals in any spiritual institution based on this fact.

Suppressing forcefully these urges will never lead to bhava-bhakti.
Honesty is the key. Where do I stand? What is my consciousness?

Suppressing the sex desire will release a force much greater and much more dangerous. Therefore Sri Krishna recommends a regulated married life for persons who feel these urges.

Bhakti is most personal. Sex life is also very personal and a most private affair.

I am married. My wife and I practice manjari-bhava-sadhana as well as we can as two full time working school teachers.

I am not free from the desire to have sex. Therefore, the sacred bond of marriage is there. Best case scenario is mine: Two soul-mates on the same path.

If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can always find out where our consciousness dwells.

Marriage means regulated sex life. It is an utmost personal affair.

To artificially claim to have reached the stage where it is only performed for procreation, well, that is a very high stage and like mentioned before, for Western devotees pretty much unrealistic.

So, if the desire for sex is still there, find a wonderful partner.
Share your love with him/her and try to practice it as selfless as you can, in a serving mood. Don’t feel guilt, shame, self-hate, just listen to your inner barometer: your heart.

A regulated sex life, practiced in a selfless mood – this is how one should deal with this natural issue until higher stages of consciousness are reached.

When you are honest, you can always experience the consequences, either uplifting or severely downgrading. No need to fool yourself.

An intelligent person certainly won´t become dependent or addicted to it, knowing full well that too much indulgence will only lead to misery and mutual exploitation and sometimes also to a sorrowful life with unplanned pregnancy and hard labor for money.

Too much indulgence will also lead to a loss of taste in bhakti and to an enhanced bodily conception of life.

Marriage is there to teach us selfless love, also in regards to sex life.

Without the mercy of the sadhus, NOTHING in bhakti is attained.

Only by mercy will we become empowered to deal with the issue at hand in a mature and healthy way. And ultimately, only by mercy can we experience this famous “higher taste”, the taste of bhakti-rasa.

Before experiencing this higher taste, we go through the stages of bhakti and the issue at hand falls into the section ANARTHA NIVRITTI. We must go through this stage naturally and in all true honesty we can muster without feeling guilty or shameful.
By performing raganuga bhakti in the anugatya of a sat guru, these urges will diminish over the time in a NATURAL way.
But not if we castrate us mentally and spit on the thought of sex completely in an artificial manner.

I once asked my Gurudeva about this issue at hand. He told me that it is my own private matter. Not once did he condemn my “fallen mleccha”- position and judged me.
Only by loving guidance can we progress.

By feeling this loving guidance in our heart, we know for sure that Sri Gurudeva is not a judgmental person filled with condemnation.

Isn’t it also VERY interesting that HEARING about the loving pastimes of the Divine Couple will blow out the flame of lust in our hearts?

But of course, we are not only condemned to hell if we practice a regulated sex life, no, we are also forbidden to HEAR these intimate pastimes.

This is outrageous. We are banned from using the most powerful “tool” to attain a higher spiritual consciousness which will trump the bodily needs.

Śrīmad Bhāgavatam (10.33.36) declares:

anugrahāya bhūtānāṁ mānuṣāṁ deham āsthitaḥ;
bhajate tādṛśiḥ krīḍā yāḥ śrutvā tat-paro bhavet

“Śrī Kṛṣṇa performed the Rāsa-līlā out of compassion for all conditioned souls and anyone who hears of this becomes His devotee.”

Śrī Jīva Gosvāmī comments in his Vaiṣṇava Toṣaṇī-tika on this verse:

ataeva tādṛśa bhakta prasaṅgena tādṛśīḥ sarva cittākarṣiīḥ krīḍā bhajate, yāḥ sādhāranair api śrutvā bhaktebhyo ‘nyo ‘pi janas tatparo bhavet. kim uta rāsa līlā rūpam imāṁ śrutvetyarthaḥ vakṣyate ca—vikrīḍitaṁ vrajavadhūbhir idaṁ ca viṣṇoḥ (S.B. 10.33.39) ityādi. yad vā mānuṣaṁ deham āśritaḥ sarvo ‘pi jīvas tatparo bhavet martyaloke śrī bhagavad avatārāt tathā bhajane mukhyatvācca manuṣyānām eva sukhena tac chravaṇādi siddheḥ

“Kṛṣṇa performs this all-attractive pastime for His devotees, but even ordinary people are attracted to this pastime by hearing about it. Even they thus become exclusively devoted to the Lord.
This will be further explained in verse 10.33.39.

The words mānuṣaṁ deham āśritaḥ also indicate that the jīvas that attained a human form are able to hear of this pastime and thus become devotees. The Lord descends on the human planets and it is here that the worship of the Lord assumes its most important form. Hence human beings can blissfully attain perfection by hearing of this pastime. ”

Śrīmad Bhāgavata, 10.33.39:

vikrīḍitaṁ vraja-vadhūbhir idam ca viṣṇoḥ
śraddhānvitaṁ nu ‘śṛṇuyed atha varṇayed yaḥ
bhaktiṁ paraṁ bhagavatiṁ pratilabhya kāmaṁ
hṛd rogam āśv apahinoty acirena dhīraṁ

“Anyone who faithfully hears and describes the pastimes of Lord Viṣṇu (Kṛṣṇa) with the ladies of Vraja (the gopīs) will attain supreme devotion to God and will soon become free from the heart’s disease of lust. ”

Here the most important word is FAITH. We have to have faith in the transcendental pastimes of the Lord and their enormous power to bring prema to the jiva souls.

Śrī Jīva Gosvāmī comments as follows on this verse:

śraddhayā viśvāsenānvita iti. tad viparītāvajña rūpāparādha……bhaktiṁ prema lakṣaṇāṁ parāṁ śrī gopikā premānusāritvāt sarvottama jātīyām. pratikṣaaṁ nūtanatvena labdhā hṛd roga rūpaṁ kāmam iti bhagavad viṣayaḥ kāma viśeṣo vyavacchinnaḥ tasya parama prema rūpatvena tad vaiparītyāt……anyatra śruyate (śrī gītā 18.54) brahma bhūta prasannātmā na śocati na kāṅkṣati samaḥ sarveṣu bhūteṣu mad bhaktiṁ labhate paraṁ. ityatra tu hṛd rogāpahānāt pūrvam eva parama bhakti prāptiḥ tasmāt parama balavad evedaṁ sādhanam iti bhāvaḥ

“śraddhānvitā means hearing with faith. This word is used to avoid the offence of disbelieving or disregarding the scriptures — that is contrary to the principles of hearing and chanting……The highest devotion is that of the gopīs and hearing and chanting of their devotion is so powerful that this supreme devotion appears in the heart even before the heart’s disease of lust is chased out of it……This despite verse 18.54 of the Gītā, that shows an opposite sequence. This shows that hearing and chanting of the Rāsa-līlā is the most powerful sādhana in existence. ”

Śrī Viśvanātha Cakravartī, in his commentary on the same verse, condemns those who do not believe this statement of the Bhāgavata, that prema comes before the cessation of lust, as nāstikas, or atheists, and mūrkhas, or fools— dhīraḥ paṇḍita iti hṛd roge satyapi kathaṁ premā bhaved ityanāstikya lakṣaṇena mūrkhatvena rahita…

The word yaḥ is very significant. It means anyone who hears and describes this with faith. First the lamp (of pure love) is kindled, and then the darkness (of lust and ignorance) is destroyed. rāgānugā bhakti, devotion following one ‘s sacred passion, is therefore not necessarily only meant for the most advanced, purified souls.

THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN PRACTITIONERS OF VIDHI BHAKTI AND RAGA BHAKTI IS MADE BECAUSE OF THEIR MOOD AND ATTITUDE, NOT BECAUSE OF THEIR POSSIBLE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF PURITY.

Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu pointed out to Vyenkata Bhaṭṭa that the goddess of fortune performed many purifying austerities to attain the position of the gopīs, but that she could still not attain it because she lacked their sweet intimate attitude towards Him.

Śrīla Viśvanātha Cakravartī Thakura writes in Mādhurya Kādambini:

bhaktes tu ‘vikrīḍitaṁ vrajavadhūbhiḥ ‘ ityādau— bhaktiṁ parāṁ bhagavati pratilabhya kāmaṁ hṛd rogam āśvapahinotyacirena dhīraḥ (bhāg. 10.33.39) ityatra ‘ktvā ‘ pratyayena hṛd rogavatyevādhikāriṇi paramāyā api tasyāḥ prathamam eva praveśas tatas tayaiva parama svatantrayā kāmādīnām apagamaś ca. teṣāṁ kadācit sattve ‘pi ‘api cet sudurācāro bhajate mam ‘ iti ‘bādhyamāno ‘pi mad bhakta ‘ ityādibhiś ca tadvatāṁ na kvāpi śāstreṣu nindā leśo ‘pi.

“Although lust is also considered a fault on the path of bhakti, one can still enter the devotional path, despite being still afflicted by lust and other material desires. Śrīmad-Bhāgavata (10.33.39) says:

“A person who faithfully hears or describes the Lord’s pastimes of Rāsa-līlā with the gopīs of Vraja attains supreme devotion of the Lord. He quickly becomes steady and conquers over the senses, giving up lust, the disease of the heart.”

In this text “after attaining supreme devotion” is an unfinished act, showing that bhakti can be attained even though one has lusty desires.

THIS SHOWS THE MOST INDEPENDENT NATURE AND POWER OF BHAKTI TO DESTROY LUSTY DESIRES.

Sometimes lusty desires exist even while practicing devotion. From verses like, “If the most sinful person worships Me exclusively…”  (Gītā 9.30) and “Though my devotee is afflicted by lusty desires…”  (Ś.B. 11.14.18) though lusty desires may exist in a devotee, still he is not condemned even slightly.”

“He is not condemned even slightly”.

We need to be honest, sincere and humble.
Then by the mercy of Krishna and His devotees, we will not be troubled by the desires for sex. We will recognize them, deal with them in a healthy and mature way and we will certainly experience a taste far beyond the pleasure of this body.
But all in due course of time and everything in the anugatya of a loving Sri Gurudeva, in sadhu sanga with loving and like-minded Vaishnavas.