Recently during a discussion, I realized how uselessly I wasted my time on Facebook. Again.

It was again a discussion about highly elevated topics where someone again tried in a kind of “hidden way” to discredit my Gurudeva and my parivar…(at least it felt to me like this).

It wasn´t the first time someone did it and it won´t be the last time…

Again I reacted completely through my false ego, letting anger and frustration win over for the umpteenth time, only to receive a message from the opponent later telling me that he has all the shastric evidence and that I therefore can´t win and I should get over it.

Huh…it was all about winning…

Yes, I got over it. I stepped back several steps and went deep into myself, thinking about all this and I experienced some very deep realizations. Painful, too.

I am a honey-jar-licker.

Like a fly, I sit at the wall of the honey jar, thinking to lick the jar means to actually taste the honey.
But unless someone opens the jar, I will never be able to taste the honey inside.

Like a fly, I only search for the smell of stool. Finding a nice heap of stool, I land on it and enjoy myself.

Like a fly, I always try to fly towards the light of the flame, only to burn myself severely.

The honey-jar I have received from my Gurudeva. He opened it too. But my offensive nature closes the lid of the jar and I remain sitting on the wall. I can´t taste the honey. Only the mercy of Guru and the Vaishnavas can open the honey-jar. It is my false ego which keeps the lid close and which, when it occasionally opens, closes the lid soon again.

There is a lot of stool around. Without changing my inner attitude I will never be able to ignore the stool-places. I will never be able to find places full of nectar. The fly must change into a bee.

Einstein defined madness as the tendency to expect a different result from trying the same thing over and over again.

How many times did I engage in useless arguments just to find myself left with a shattered heart and close to no bhakti left?

I have close to no realizations at all.

I am nowhere near the stage of RUCI, where bhakti starts to really go deep.

I am fighting the battle against my unwanted desires (anarthas), praying that this stage one day will end.

Still, I continue to openly talk with my nearly realization-free words, babbling on and on about subject matters way beyond my capacity (bhava-bhakti, siddha deha, siddha pranali, manjari bhava…) quoting shastras left and right, trying to present myself as very learned.

I received EVERYTHING necessary for attaining perfection from my Gurudeva and I have full faith in him and his words. But do I use my time properly? No.
As soon as the ego and the blown-up mind take over, I am FAR AWAY from these wonderful gifts my Gurudeva gave me.

I realized also that I love to share.
To share the nectar I received from my Gurudeva in the form of his most wonderful words.
I realized that there is no need to say or “add” anything else.
To be a parrot of my Gurudeva is perfection.
But the ego tends to overthrow this idea, so that everyone thinks I am a very dedicated and learned devotee.

Fact is that I am a very normal person who received diksha from my Gurudeva and thus tries to live a spiritual life in a material world.

I am not qualified to live constantly in the Holy Dhama (be it Radhakund or Vraja) and honestly, at my stage right now, I don´t even want to.

All should come naturally and in an authentic way.

Leading debates and fighting verbal battles on Facebook is everything BUT natural and authentic…wanting to win, to show off, etc…

I am a married man. My job is being a school teacher.
I love music (METAL mostly). I love watching a good movie now and then. I love being with friends.
These things are considered “maya” or “illusion” by some, but quite honestly, watching a nice and entertaining movie is not as destructive as being engaged in debating and discussing the “rights” and “wrongs” about spiritual life.

More and more I realize that spiritual life and thus bhajan are extremely private and one should be very careful protecting these areas of life.
Here I failed several times. I openly discussed very private matters and deep philosophical issues. I now see that this is not the right way.

I can go on and on talking about the highest topics of bhakti, always trying to show the “right” way, the “only” way…but in the end…it is you, Gurudeva and Krishna.
I follow my bhajan privately and others do the same in their way.

I can go on talking about the highest things, but as long as I am in the stage of “fighting the battle against unwanted things” (anartha nivritti), what will be the use of it all?
I will only try to understand things which are not meant to be understood but which are meant to be realized.
Discussing these things over the internet will never help REALIZING them.
Theoretical understanding is fine but it will not help “winning” the battle and will not help in my progress.

Like I said before, if we experience nectar, it is our tendency to share this nectar.
And there is certainly nothing wrong with it if we do it in a well-wishing way and not in an exclusive, “I am right” –way.

Only by HEARING the words of the realized souls, the great mahajanas, our hearts become purified and we will be able to progress in our bhakti.
Sharing these words will be extremely beneficial for the aspiring devotees.

tat tad bhavadi madhurye srute dhir yad apekshate |
natra sastram na yuktim ca tal lobhotpatti lakshanam ||
(BRS. 1.2.292)

“When one hears about the sweetness of their feelings and so forth, and a desire for attaining the same awakens in the consciousness without dependence on scripture and logic, this is a symptom of the awakening of greed (lobha).

If we act as their instruments, if we see us as their tools, distributing their nectar, nothing will go wrong.

Lord Kṛṣṇa Himself describes (in Śrīmad Bhāgavata 11.14.26) how the devotee on the path of sacred passion advances and becomes more purified and more obsessed with sacred greed by the day, from the initial stage of surrender to the feet of a guru up to the point in which he directly attains the Lord:
‘The more one’s mind gets purified by hearing and chanting of My beautiful pastimes, the better one is able to discern the subtle reality (of the Self), just as the eye is better able to perceive more and more subtle things when it is treated with medicinal ointment’.
(Srila Vishvanatha Cakravartipada, RVC)

It is not my intention to say that the words of the mahajanas should never be discussed at all.
Of course we should discuss these words. But how? With whom? Where?

tataś cāśrita guru-caraṇasya tasya jijṣāsyamāṇasya sadācārasya tacchikṣayaiva sajātīyāśaya snigdha-bhaktyabhijṣa sādhu-saṅga bhāgyodayaḥ

After attaining faith, one takes shelter of a Guru and inquires about the rules and regulations of the devotional process. By following them, one gets the fortune of associating with soft-hearted realized sādhus endowed with a similar mood.
(Madhurya Kadambini)

How?
With an inquisitive, devotional and humble mood.

With whom?
With soft-hearted sadhus endowed with a similar mood.

Where?
In the association of such like-minded souls.

I pray to the Vaishnavas that they will forgive me and that they will bless me by being actually able to taste the honey which is INSIDE the honey-jar.

Dandavats.